1. When I was born, I got a choice : A big dick or a good memory.
I am not able to remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence : It is nature's way of saying " No hard feelings "
5. There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men :" don't " and " stop ", unless they are used together.
6. Panties is not the best thing on earth, but it's next to best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri-weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with The Hole and she was happy with The Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't !
16. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
17. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
18. Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
19. Despite the old saying : " Don't take your troubles to bed ", many men still sleep with their wives !!!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Great Scarifice......this is love!!
A beautiful female sale rep of a big bank went visit a Afican king.
The king is rich and very important customer of the bank.
The king was admire of how beautiful she is so he asked her to marry him. (culture thing, don't ask why).
The sales doesn't want to marry him but cannot reject as well since she wants the business.
So she tried to make the king back off by asking impossible requestments.
She said: I have 3 things to ask you and if you can make it then I will marry you.
First, I want a diamand as big as egg.
The king thought for a while and said : ok. I got it i got it.
Second, I want a house that got 100 rooms in New York and a vocational housewith two swimming pools and two tennis courts in North Africa.
The king thought about it for a while and made a call to his people and said: ok. I will I will.
The sales finally has to put out the worst deal to make the king back off so she said :for the third, my man has to have a 14 inches dick."
The king stoped and then started to cry.
After a long long while, the king said:
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ok.....i cut i cut.
The king is rich and very important customer of the bank.
The king was admire of how beautiful she is so he asked her to marry him. (culture thing, don't ask why).
The sales doesn't want to marry him but cannot reject as well since she wants the business.
So she tried to make the king back off by asking impossible requestments.
She said: I have 3 things to ask you and if you can make it then I will marry you.
First, I want a diamand as big as egg.
The king thought for a while and said : ok. I got it i got it.
Second, I want a house that got 100 rooms in New York and a vocational housewith two swimming pools and two tennis courts in North Africa.
The king thought about it for a while and made a call to his people and said: ok. I will I will.
The sales finally has to put out the worst deal to make the king back off so she said :for the third, my man has to have a 14 inches dick."
The king stoped and then started to cry.
After a long long while, the king said:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ok.....i cut i cut.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Ture Love
Since there are many friends getting married this year I think this email is good to give all of them.
I thought this was cute and wanted to share it with you……
True Love
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry
As he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.
I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
Oh, by the way, peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the best of everything they have.
"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."
I thought this was cute and wanted to share it with you……
True Love
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry
As he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.
I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
Oh, by the way, peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the best of everything they have.
"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."
Monday, January 21, 2008
First Date
It's your first date, and you cannot think of anything but spending time with your date. The last thing you wouldn't want to do is create a bad impression. First date after all, is all about giving the other person a good impression about one self to make the relation last forever. There are certain things to do on first date that will go a long way to ensure that your relation blossoms into something meaningful. We bring you the most important do's and don'ts on first date. Read these first date do's and don'ts and follow them religiously.
DO's
Be on time. It shows you value your date's time and take him/her seriously.
Give compliments. Make it genuine, but don't go overboard as it may sound fake.
Give a confirmation call before leaving. This is just to make sure that everything is, as scheduled. Let your date know the approximate time when you will be reaching, say half an hour or something. Tell him/her that you are looking forward to meet up.
Show interest in them. Start a decent conversation and get to know their interests, likes and dislikes. It will help when you plan your second date! Laugh when they crack jokes, keep the atmosphere lively and enjoyable.
Be confident. Don't stutter or stammer while talking and try to maintain eye contact. Smile often during the conversation. Keep yourself relaxed yet peppy and enjoy the time spent together.
DONT's
Be late. The last thing you would want your date to do is leave after waiting for you. The concept of arriving fashionably late does not apply here. It shows you are not dependable at all and definitely not worth dating.
Talk on the cell phone or keep meddling with it. It is very rude to talk on phone on a date. It also shows that you are not interested or getting bored on your date. If it is an urgent call, keep it short and tell them that you are busy and will get back to them later.
Be fake. Do not even try to be someone you are not just to make that person fall in love with you. If you do, you will be expected to keep up that standard for the rest of your life.
Get drunk. Of all the things, you wouldn't want to pass out and embarrass your date. Worse, misbehave with the girl in case you lose your senses.
Make wrong advances. You wouldn't want your date to think you are too aggressive or even desperate. There is a difference between harmless flirting and obvious advances and don't take your date for granted.
DO's
Be on time. It shows you value your date's time and take him/her seriously.
Give compliments. Make it genuine, but don't go overboard as it may sound fake.
Give a confirmation call before leaving. This is just to make sure that everything is, as scheduled. Let your date know the approximate time when you will be reaching, say half an hour or something. Tell him/her that you are looking forward to meet up.
Show interest in them. Start a decent conversation and get to know their interests, likes and dislikes. It will help when you plan your second date! Laugh when they crack jokes, keep the atmosphere lively and enjoyable.
Be confident. Don't stutter or stammer while talking and try to maintain eye contact. Smile often during the conversation. Keep yourself relaxed yet peppy and enjoy the time spent together.
DONT's
Be late. The last thing you would want your date to do is leave after waiting for you. The concept of arriving fashionably late does not apply here. It shows you are not dependable at all and definitely not worth dating.
Talk on the cell phone or keep meddling with it. It is very rude to talk on phone on a date. It also shows that you are not interested or getting bored on your date. If it is an urgent call, keep it short and tell them that you are busy and will get back to them later.
Be fake. Do not even try to be someone you are not just to make that person fall in love with you. If you do, you will be expected to keep up that standard for the rest of your life.
Get drunk. Of all the things, you wouldn't want to pass out and embarrass your date. Worse, misbehave with the girl in case you lose your senses.
Make wrong advances. You wouldn't want your date to think you are too aggressive or even desperate. There is a difference between harmless flirting and obvious advances and don't take your date for granted.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Cover your shortcoming!!!
During 1800's sea transpotation is very dangrous mission because of pirates.
There was a very great captain---Red Coat.
He had won so many battles and never lost.
One of his pirates had found that everytime when the battle about to start the captian always ask for his red coat (that's why he called Red Coat).
After so many battles the parite asked the captian
"Captian, why are you always wear the red coat when battle about to start?"
The captian said "By doing so the enemies won't know if I am hurt or not! There will not be blood for them to see! This is a stritage!! we should all try to cover our shortcoming!"
The pirates then understood that their captian is a smart person and they all follow his order.
They had made their sea for so many years.
Untill one day.....they got cornered by over 100 pirates boats.
The captian saw the number and slowly asked his pirates......"go take my Brown Pants to me!!"
And everyone looked at him said "why brown pants and not red coat???"
The captian responsed:
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"so they won't see me shit..............."
There was a very great captain---Red Coat.
He had won so many battles and never lost.
One of his pirates had found that everytime when the battle about to start the captian always ask for his red coat (that's why he called Red Coat).
After so many battles the parite asked the captian
"Captian, why are you always wear the red coat when battle about to start?"
The captian said "By doing so the enemies won't know if I am hurt or not! There will not be blood for them to see! This is a stritage!! we should all try to cover our shortcoming!"
The pirates then understood that their captian is a smart person and they all follow his order.
They had made their sea for so many years.
Untill one day.....they got cornered by over 100 pirates boats.
The captian saw the number and slowly asked his pirates......"go take my Brown Pants to me!!"
And everyone looked at him said "why brown pants and not red coat???"
The captian responsed:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
"so they won't see me shit..............."
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Fun Facts........
Fun facts from Infection Control
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. �
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.) �
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 36 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket. �
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. �
Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases. �
HAVE A GREAT DAY... .and wash your damn hands!
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. �
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.) �
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 36 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket. �
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. �
Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases. �
HAVE A GREAT DAY... .and wash your damn hands!
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